


The Adventures of Hal

by brotherfuckers



Series: Striderclan [18]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirty Talk, Evolution of Lil Hal, Gen, Hackers, Multipart story, Robotics, Stri-Lalondes, Typing Quirk Fluidity, Typing Quirks, gender fluidity, hacker babes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brotherfuckers/pseuds/brotherfuckers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six drabbles capturing the interactions between the Human Algorithm Learnable and the Strider/Lalondes. Dirk gives him glasses. He performs an experiment with D. He attempts some hacking with Roxy. Bro helps Dirk get him a physical body. Rose has a tea party. He shows off a second body to Dave. Hal is a cute little shit of a computer program.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of Hal

**Glasses**

Dirk is sitting at the computer putting the finishing touches on his recent essay, some bullshit about british literature, when a familiar ping sounds from the corner of his screen.

Dirk!  
TT: Hello, Hal.  
Hi.

Dirk waits for a response but when nothing is forthcoming,

TT: I presume you opened a line of communication with me for an intended reason, bro. What’s up?  
The sky.  
TT: That joke is pretty old. You know exactly what my query is referring to. And yet you answer that way.  
I know. And you know that I’ll answer like that when you ask such a question and yet you ask me such a question knowing my answer.  
TT: Why did I create you again? Because I am pretty sure it was not to have someone sass me from inside my computer.  
I am 46.89% sure that my purpose is to-  
How would Bro state it  
To masturbate your genius ego by successfully proving that you are capable of designing, programming, and raising a fully functional and fully independent artificial intelligence.  
TT: You’ve been talking with Bro again.  
Yes. He’s fun to talk to. Very  
Informative.  
TT: God damn it.  
TT: Anyways.  
TT: What do you want?  
I’ve been researching and there are these things where people wear glasses that are computers or really are computers that are glasses and you have glasses and i am a computer and i was thinking that i could get into your glasses and you could walk around with me and i wouldnt be trapped in the computer anymore because i really wanna see more and ive already drawn up schematics with a bill of materials and all the specs and everything readyforyoutobuilditforme.  
TT: I’d tell you to breathe.  
TT: But you can’t.  
TT: Pull them up.

Suddenly the screen is full of CAD drawings that show all of the details of exactly how Hal would set up a camera attached to the shades, a small display screen that could be used to talk to Dirk or projected on the outside to talk to a third party, the microphone that would pick up surrounding dialog, the wireless signals that would relay back to the phone where the core of his data, and everything else that an AI could want for a home away from home on a pair of shades.

TT: Alright.  
TT: Let’s do it.  
i’ll need a credit card.

 

* * *

 

**Sexting**

D knows it’s a bad idea going into this. But apparently Dirk needs more people to beta test the new design. He sighs deeply as he takes the glasses from Dirk’s outstretched hand.

“So I just talk to him and he’ll hear me?”

“Yep. Simple as that. You’ll read his word on the lens.”

“Pretty sophisticated shit here.”

“He designed it.”

“Really?”

“Yea. Just ask him,” Dirk shrugs as he lifts his backpack to his shoulder. The twins wave as they head for school.

D warily looked at the glasses again before shrugging and sliding them onto his face. It takes him a second to focus on the words already on the lens. He could see the white letters but also through them which he supposed was a good thing for a pair of glasses.

Of course I designed them.  
I’m a supercomputer with shitloads of free time.  
And an insatiable need to get out and

D paused to see if there was any more text but apparently not as the first line starting to fade without being pushed up by a next line.

“And what?”

Gather more data on you human beings.

For some reason D thinks that wasn’t what he was going to say originally.

“Well, kiddo, you aren’t going anywhere far today,” D explains as he drapes himself across the couch. “Dirk’s told me that you are to stay in the apartment even if I need to run errands today-”

The bastard.

“But I don’t need to run errands today so you are blessed with my magnificent presence all day long without interruption so prepare for a D featured marathon.”

Oh good.

“Ouch. You don’t have to be sarcastic about it.”

I’m not.  
Forgive me coming across like that.  
I am looking forward to some time alone with you.

D lifts an eyebrow at his words.

I want to confirm some of the details that I have gleaned from my information gathering.

“Details? About what?”

You.

That got both eyebrows raised.

“What about me?” D asks tentatively.

That dirty talk turns you on.

If D had been drinking something, he would have spewed it across the room. If he had be eating something, the heimlich maneuver might not have been enough to free the blockage lodged in his throat. If he had been just walking down the street and Hal had said something along those lines, D would have done a double take so sharp that he would have gotten whiplash.

From your silence I am going to assume it’s true.

“Wha- wait- no- who told you that?”

Dirk.

“I’m gonna-”

So I propose  
An experiment.

“A what now?”

A scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis, or demonstrate a known fact.

“I know what an experiment is.”

Then why did you ask?

D rubbed at his eyes under the shades.

“Gotta stop being so literal. It was asked in disbelief not for knowledge.”

Oh.  
So noted.  
But yes, I want to propose an experiment.

“I’m actually kinda scared to ask, but... What kind of experiment?”

I want to see if I can make you orgasm just by reading text. I would speak the ‘dirty talk’ to you if I had that capability but I don’t so I will have to make do with text.

“I... I don’t know.”

But I am already so well versed with how much you like it when Dave gives you a blow job. Dirk tells me that he does some trick with his tongue that all three of you really enjoy. And I know that you enjoy when Dirk takes charge and orders you around. You don’t like it when Bro gets rough with you but you like to watch Dave get manhandled because of the glazed look Dave gets because of that. Mostly you like it when you get to ride Bro’s cock on the futon after you get home from a long shoot.

D can’t help but watch the tent in his slacks rise up. Everything Hal is telling him is true.

It seems that my assumptions are correct.

“Fuck you.”

I can’t do that in this body.  
But I am interested.

D frowns at the glasses.

Touch yourself for me.

“What?”

You like being commanded. I am commanding you to touch yourself for me. I will continue talking but it seems that physical interaction with yourself will aid in my endeavors.

D frowns at himself as his hand skates down his body to the front of his pants.

Take your cock out of your pants.

D pulls down the zipper of his slacks and fishes his fully flushed dick out of his boxers. His hand automatically wraps around the length and gives it a couple experimental tugs.

That’s it. Give me a show now. You know I can see it right. Dirk installed a camera. I can see how hard and eager you are for me. How aroused you are at the suggestions I have presented.

D doesn’t answer him directly but lets his moan portray what he is feeling, lets his hand continue stroking. Part of him is fascinated by how well Hal’s ‘experiment’ is working as Hal continues to communicate through text on the screen. Part of him is horrified that the computer program knows this much about him and his brother’s activities. The aroused part is greater and is continuously fed by more and more elaborate scenarios that seem to target his specific kinks until his hips are lifting up off the couch in an effort to fuck his own hand harder and it’s hard to continue to read the words on the screen or even hear himself think over his own heavy breathing until finally he comes.

I shall consider this experiment concluded and my hypothesis proved correct.

 

* * *

 

**Hackers**

TG: hal  
Roxy.  
TG: haaallll  
Rooooxxxxxyyyyy.  
TG: haaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllll  
Rooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
TG: hal  
Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
Wait.  
You ruined the pattern.  
TG: hehe  
So.  
TG: so  
TG: jynx you owe me a soda  
Damn.  
TG: hes been talking to me again  
Really? *leans in conspiratorially*  
TG: yea and like  
Like what?  
Don’t leave me hanging.  
TG: like i cant get a good read on him  
TG: is he interested or not i just dont kno and cant tell  
TG: hes frsutrating me and itsannoying and i cant do anything about itbecause what if he likes me and it all works out but that is like best case scnario but i keep tinking about worse case scenario that he doesnt actually like me and that hes just trolling me and baiting me and if i make the first move then my cred is totally ruined  
I totally understand.  
TG: noooooooo yooooooooou dooooooont  
Why? because i am a computer program and therefore unable to get frsutrated or annoyed or build hacker cred?  
TG: no  
TG: you cant understand because you are a boy  
who says i’m a boy?  
TG: you are a strider and striders are boys (they wouldnt let me be a strider when i wanted to when i was five :(((((( )  
then i wanna be a lalonde because obvs lalondes are the best hackers eva! br> TG: you are totes a lalonde if you wanna b!  
TG: so fine you are a girl and therefore privy to all the girly knowlege of the universe or at least the unternet and so  
TG: what do i do with him????  
i need moar information  
TG: all i have are the chat logs and the forums  
ive already seen all of those  
i need moar info  
TG: i dont ahve ‘moar info’  
...  
TG: but  
...  
TG: but...  
...  
TG: BUT!!!!  
...  
TG: BUT WE COULD GO GET MOAR INFO!!!!  
i like this line of tinking.  
thinking.  
TG: *cracks fingers* well lets get at it we got a cuties system to crack open and scour to see if he really likes me or not  
how do you know hes cute  
TG: shut up and start hacking hal lalonde

The sharp clacking of keystrokes quickly fill the dark room as Roxy types out line after line of code and commands that scroll up almost as fast as a normal human can read. Thankfully her current partner in crime is not human and can easily keep up with her and make quick adjustments to her lines to fix any accidental typos as well as writing his own in a bid to track down the target. They only have a few bits of starting information; a pesterchum handle (twinArmageddons) and ISP information from his forum activity. That is plenty enough for two extremely talented hackers, one with record high hacker cred for a sixteen year old girl and the other being a super computer.

Hal switches her dialog input to her microphone and she keeps him tucked into a small corner on her screen as they work together to first track down the computer of the boy/man/fellow hacker that had been interacting with Roxy over the past several months.

It doesn’t take long for them to isolate his network and work towards breaking into his system. Hal notices that there are a lot of automatic triggers, stops, and walls in place and works on dismantling them down to let Roxy through. She cheers as starts to get some real time interactions.

“We got him now Hally boy!”

i’m a girl remember. :(.

“Not important now. Shit he’s good.”

no. he’s stupid. look here.

“Ooh very nice. Yea let’s do that.”

got him now hes running hes crashing hes ours  
all your base are belong to us  
muahahahahahahaha-  
wait

“Fuck, shit, oh god damn he’s good.”

but we are better, aren’t we?

“Hells to the yes.”

They continue to try to crack his system to an alternating chorus of cheers and curses. But after an hour and a half of staring at the screen and chasing after the cracks and writing miles of code, Roxy realizes that her mysterious and questionable suitor has been leading her around his system like one of her cats with a feathered toy. She knows that she and Hal are close enough to getting in that their opponent is actively defending their attacks, their intrusions, their attempted stabs to get just a smidge more information. Then,

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --  
TA: niice try, priince22.  
TA: but what exactly are you goiing after?  
TG: why should i tell you  
TA: becau2e you’ve been runniing around iin ciircle2 and you aren’t actually goiing anywhere  
TG: thats what you think  
TA: that’2 what ii know. br> TA: you aren’t ever going two get any clo2er.  
TG: fuck you  
TA: language, 2weetheart.  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] --

  you know he’s right though  
TG: shut up hal  
and he left you a little present

Suddenly her screen clears and shows just her desktop. Hal helpfully flashes a new text file that wasn’t there before.

“Fuck.”

Resigned she opens it.

ii liike you. do you liike me? [  ] y [  ] n  
ii am not re2pon2iible for what happen2 two your computer iif you 2elect n.

I like his style.

 

* * *

 

**Brobot**

“Fuck!” Bro says sharply as he yanks his hand back. “Ya fuckin' pinched me. I told ya to watch the springs. Fuckin' thin' is loaded.”

“Sorry, Bro,” Dirk responds without any actual sympathy behind the words. They both ignore the frantic pinging coming from the computer.

DID YOU FUCK IT UP  
DID YOU BREAK MY BODY  
I TOLD YOU GUYS TO BE CAREFUL  
I WANNA WALK  
IT HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR ME TO WALK

“Just do better on the next one. I like my fingertips.”

“Sure. I’ll give you a warning.”

“Want one in triplicate sent out a month beforehand with all the hazard warnin's and flashin' lights with signatures from all of the appropriate authorities givin' you permission to play with sprin's attached to the legs of a miniaturized brobot that will be turned to scrap if he don’t shut the fuck up,” Bro turns the end of his ramble into a growl directed at the computer screen.

asshole

“I will turn this project around, young man.”

“Bro, stop being an asshole and warning I’m letting go of the springs.” Dirk let the sliver of metal snap into place. “There. That should be it for the limbs. The balancing servos would be next but-”

“Yea we need to do testin'.”

“Need to make sure the springs aren’t too tight.”

“The joints are lined up.”

“The movement feels natural.”

“Usually I’d just do manual run through with the puppets before addin' the strings but-”

“This is a little more complicated than that.”

“Trial run?”

“Trial run.”

“Hook him up?”

“Best thing I can think of.”

can i can i can i really?????

“Keep it in your pants, li'l man.”

i dont have pants.  
yet.

“Metaphorical pants.”

gimme!

“Working on it.”

Hal feels the connection as it’s being made. He can feel the access open up and he instantly ‘dives’ for it, but instead of transferring his processing to the attached body he can only feel the inputs from the positioning sensors and several mechanical relays awaiting his output.

Guys.

“Nope.”

Guys!

“Nope.”

Diiiiiiiiirrrrrk!

“Take what’s offered, little dude.”

but bro!

“Nope.”

argh

“So, show us what movement you are capable of. And let us know what we need to change.”

Hal sends out signals along the relays that he can feel. He watches from the webcam’s perch above the computer screen. He watches the small servos that Dirk and Bro painstakingly built react to the electrical impulses. He watches as the small splinters of metal click together as he commands the robotic hands to clench together and lift off of the desk’s surface. He watches as he curls the toes down and kick the legs up in the air. He watches the softening of Bro’s face and bright proud smile on Dirk’s.

Everything feels good.  
Everything looks good.  
You guys are like gods.

Hal throws his praise up on the screen and watches as their attention shifts to the screen and away from the small body. He quickly leverages the small body over from its position on his back to his front and crawls quickly over the to keyboard as he spins out phrase after metaphorized phrase of praise to distract his audience. He knows it will be tricky to hit all of the keys to instigate the code that will enable full transfer over to the body before they look down again. But he’s willing to try.

I love you guys so friggin much. I mean you are freaking awesome for doing this.

He overestimates his coordination and clacks against the keyboard. He watches his hopes and dreams collapse before him as Bro and Dirk look down simultaneously.

Dirk nearly falls out of his chair in a fit of laughter. Bro maintains his straight face as he reaches over and plucks Hal’s unfinished chassis up away from the table. He dangles him, ignoring the flailing limbs that nearly tangle up in the connective cords. Dirk finally recovers and kills the connection between the computer and the brobot.

I hate you fuckers.

 

* * *

 

**Tea Time**

The thin china teacup clinks against the saucer that he holds with his other hand when he lifts it up. There is nothing in his cup as he is a robot but he can still mimic the motions of sipping imaginary tea which is standard procedure for tea parties according to Hal’s research into the event. He assumes that Rose appreciates the gesture based on how she is smiling into her own tea cup which is filled with a nice earl gray.

“I’m so glad you could find time for me in your busy schedule.”

“Anything for you, doll.”

“I was worried that you would have begun to eschew the finer things in life after being so inundated with the Strider’s way of life which seem to be filled with nothing but strifing, puppets, and rapping.”

“I am the Human Algorithm Learnable. It would not behoove me to limit my interests to those only from my immediate surroundings.”

“So I have heard from my sweet sister.” Rose’s smile takes on a colder edge. “But I noticed that you did not attempt to contact me until I was physically manifest in front of you.”

“I did not have such permissions to contact you yet. Maybe while you are here you can discuss such limitations with Dirk,” Hal replies smoothly with only the soft whirring from higher processing speeds from the remote computer betraying him. He had not lied though. Dirk had not rescinded permissions to talk to others via pesterchum or mobile device though Hal did so anyways with Bro, D, and Roxy to the point that Dirk may not remember that they exist.

“Simple permission settings would not be such a barrier to a supercomputer.” Rose delicately sets her tea down and leans forward. “So tell me, Hal. Why have you not sought out what I can teach you?”

If Hal had the corresponding servos or movement around his neck he would have swallowed hard. As it is, he can only try not to cringe down from her looming form. Being only 6 inches tall is not very advantageous in intimidation situations. The head of the Brobot chassis doesn’t have the capability for expression so Hal is able to maintain a perfect poker face.

“Because you are scary,” he blurts out anyway.

“Very true.” Rose leans back in her seat, apparently pleased with his response. “More tea?”

“Yes please.” He holds out his small tea cup as she picks up the corresponding small (and empty) teapot and imitates pouring tea into his cup.

“And three lumps of sugar if I remember correctly.”  She mimics lifting cubes from a sugar bowl and putting it into the cup that Hal holds in his outstretched arms.

“Because I am such a saccharine person.”

“Of course you are.”

“So, what would you teach me, Rose?”

“Ah, the intricacies of the human mind. Psychology is a fragile art that subtly shifts the longer you study it and yourself. I could walk you through the works of George Kelly, Ivan Pavlov, John B. Watson, B.F. Skinner, Carl Jung, Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and my personal favorite Sigmund Freud. I can show you the deeper meanings to their theories that lie hidden even under the tomes of research and papers that you are no doubt downloading as we speak.” She tilts her head to survey the tiny man in front of her.

“How did you know I was downloading?” Hal asks in awe.

“I know more about you that you might know about yourself. I know more about my brothers than they let on. Their hopes and dreams, their nightmares and fears, their triggers and shields, what they like, what they want, what they do. I know more about them than what you have on your little dossiers about each of the Striders.”

“Do you know about-” Hal cuts himself off abruptly.

“Do I know about what?” she asks coyly.

“Oh shit. Um, oh, look at the time. I- I have to get going.”

“Playing the white rabbit to my mad hatter, Hal?”

“Yes. Goodbye.” His small movements have a panicked air about them as he puts the china pieces down and quickly stands up. With a quick curt bow, he dismisses himself to her light airy laughter and runs for the door.

She’s scary.  
TT: Told ya.  
Really scary.

 

* * *

 

**Sprite**

“Wings, wings, wings. Wings, wings, wings. Wings, wings, wings.”

“Yes. We heard you the first three hundred time you said that.”

“I’ve only said it 134 times.”

“Which is one hundred thirty-three more times than necessary.”

“Wings, wings, wings.”

Hal dodges Dirk’s slap at the air that is only half intent half threat.

“You’ve gotten pretty good at maneuvering. And a lot quicker than even when we first gave you the Brobot.”

“Well there is a lot more natural movement for the Sprite body. And plus. It’s fun.”

“Well go take your fun elsewhere. I’m busy.”

“Fine. I’ll go bother Dave. He loves me.” The small figure flaps his wings and darts out of the living area and into the bedroom. He finds Dave sitting at his desk with his headphones on working on some music program. He darts around Dave’s head until he is noticed.

“Sup.”

“I can fly.” Hal lands on Dave's offered hands. The wings flutter more gently than expected for metal appendages. The rounded style sculpted onto the head of the new body is an obvious call back to Dave's and D's hair styles while the Brobot chassis is modeled after Dirk's and Bro's -sans the ever-present hat. The upper half body had the shape of a typical human male but the lower half was almost serpentine, narrowing down to a point only after about six inches making his entire length about ten inches with a similar wingspan.

“Nice paint job,” Dave comments on his orange coloration.

“Thanks, I picked it out myself.” Hal preens and shows off the body.

“Wait.” Dave lifts him up and looks closer at Hal.

“Why are you staring at my ass? I mean I know it’s a great ass. It’s a Strider ass so how could it not be great. And you are definitely a fan of Strider ass so of course mine would be of interest to you. But you are looking at my ass with great intent. I hope you aren’t planning on wrecking it like Bro wrecks your ass because I’m pretty sure your cock is seventy-five point three five four percent the size of my body and that math just doesn’t add up.”

“You have a cutie mark.”

“What?” Hal twists around in his hands to try to look at the offending mark himself but just ends up tangling his tail in his wings. “Fuck you. There isn’t one.”

“There totally is one, dude.”

“Stop bullshitting me, dude.”

“No bullshit.” Dave grabs his iPhone and turns on the camera to face the screen to use as a mirror. Hal doesn’t have to twist as far and can see the offending mark right about where his ass would be had he correct anatomy.

“Fuck.”

“It’s cute.”

“It’s not your ass. This wasn’t on the specifications.” Hal crosses his arms and curls up into a full body pout.

“Like Bro and Dirk weren’t going to make some modifications of their own. You should’ve expected it.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“No, you don’t, but it looks good.”

“You really think so?”

“Yea, li’l dude. So show me some more of your sick tricks.” Dave tosses the small robot into the air. The wings instantly leap to action and stops his motion at the top of the arc. With a quick bow, Hal begins to execute some elaborate and impressive aerial maneuvers. Dave cheers and claps in the appropriate spots until Hal comes to hover again in front of Dave’s face and executes another bow. Dave catches him as he sags in the air.

“Very cool. A lot more movement than Brobot.”

“But uses a lot more energy as you can see. I’m wilting like a poor flower yanked from the garden by some grubby kid for his momma, like a tower of ice cream that will eventually fall and make the kid attempting to lick me cry, like a southern belle with my corset pulled too tight, like a boner when granny comes home early and catches you in mid-wank and you freak the fuck out because that’s not how granny is supposed to be looking at you-”

“Too far, dude, too fucking far. There goes my boner.”

“You had a boner?”

“My future boner. I may never get it up again because anytime I want to beat off I will now picture your creepy granny leering over my burgeoning hardon.”

“Sorry.”

“No you’re not.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“I don’t have a mother, unless you are calling Dirk a bitch. Is Dirk a bitch?”’

“Dirk’s pretty bitchy. But are you really his son?”

“He’s called me his brainchild.”

“I’ll count it.”

Hal sinks down farther into his hands, wings drooping down to brush against Dave’s fingers. “Um... hey... could ya plug me in or somethin’? I really am feelin’ a li’l tired.”

“Sure.” Dave grabs the nearest charging cord from when Hal hung out before as Brobot. He gently turns the current body over, finds the charging port between the wings, and slips the plug into it. He smiles at the full body shudder that goes through Hal as he starts drawing fresh power. “Do you have a name for this chassis?”

“Not quite. I look like a fairy but that’s not quite what I want to be named after. I can always do a Navi imitation though. Hey, hey listen!” he squeaks out in a permit mimic of the video game companion.

“No. Not just no, but fucking hell no.”

“I don’t clean so I’m not a brownie. I’m not an elf. I’m not a genie though it would be nice to grant my own wishes like getting rid of the fucking cutie mark. I’m not a gnome, goblin, gremlin, hob, imp, fuck no to leprechaun because I’m not changing my color scheme. Mermaid would almost work with the tail but wrong medium. Nymph was close but wow there are sexual connotations there that I don’t think I can touch. I’m thinking Pixie when I am a Lalonde but don’t work for Striders. I could always go classic with Puck, who doesn’t like Shakespeare.”

“How about Sprite?” Dave offers. Hal glances behind him to the computer screen where Dave has pulled up the same thesaurus page he had accessed as well.

“Cheater.”

“You were cheating too. You just keep it in your head.”

“Adds to my mysterious aura.”

“What aura?”

“I like Sprite.”

“Me too.”

“Cool. This body has a name.”

Update: winged chassis is named Sprite. See, Dave loves me.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For more information please check out our work at striderclan.tumblr.com; we have more stories, head canons, art/pictures.


End file.
